| By Terry Healey As I reflect on my life, I recognize that living with a facial difference for over thirty-four years has made me realize that my difference is something I own, something only I have ultimate control over. Because I have transformed myself as a person over the years and re-built my confidence and self-esteem by employing my survival kit, I rarely encounter that feeling of being treated differently because of my appearance. Law enforcement, retailers, nor hiring managers have treated me differently for the way I look, except for one caveat with law enforcement, which I’ll cover in a minute. I may have a unique physical appearance, but the way I carry myself must be what prevents others from perceiving me as weak or less worthy. I know, because when I was initially disfigured back in 1985 as a result of a rare fibrosarcoma cancer, and for many years after during the twenty-five reconstructive surgical procedures I endured, my encounters were far, far different—frequently uncomfortable, painful, and often cruel. When I had a large bandage across my face at the age of 22, while hiking, I did have an encounter with law enforcement, where I was given a ticket for trespassing on a fire trail. I was told to put my hands up and to kneel down. I was scared. Was the park officer judging me? I paid the ticket. In the last 25-30 years I don’t feel I have been treated differently. Perhaps my facial difference isn’t severe, or perhaps it is, but I like to believe I live in a world that accepts me for who I am, not for what I look like. This reflection spawns from my thoughts about how far our society has come—or not–when it comes to differences. Juneteenth has just now become a day Americans are beginning to understand, and the protests are a reminder of the importance of our freedom of expression and assembly. The recent awareness of the extreme social injustice that still exists in our country emanating from the death of George Floyd reminds us not how far we have come, but more so, of how far we must go. We have made progress in accepting the LGBTQ community into our society, but are also reminded how far we have to go when the President of the United States attempts to rescind their rights by removing nondiscrimination protections for LGBTQ people. Thanks to our Supreme Court, we can live another day hoping our differences don’t ostracize us, and that we can move forward as a society, to one that is more tolerant and accepting. George Floyd, black Americans and the LGBTQ community might look or identify differently from the mainstream, but the continued discrimination they face opens my mind every day. I remind myself, when I look in the mirror, to be grateful and to realize my life has been easy in comparison. My battle scars make me realize how precious and valuable life is every day. So, to those of you with a facial difference, I hope you can learn from my story. And for all the oppressed people in the world, I realize your survival kit may be different due to racism, discrimination or suppression. I hope you can think of my survival kit as a starting point – a way to think through what you’ll need in your arsenal to fight your own battle every day. For everyone else who is reading this, let us all treat each other as human beings, with dignity and respect, become less judgmental, and appreciate our differences. Differences are what make each of us special, unique, and interesting. I find that people remember me because I am DIFFERENT! Say something nice today. Do something nice for someone today. Treat others the way you want them to treat you. Be kind.  *** Terry Healey is a technology marketing strategy consultant. He is also an author and a motivational speaker. You can contact him via email at terry@terryhealey.com. For more information about his speaking and his books, please visit his website http://www.terryhealey.com. |
Thank you, Terry – you have a wonderfully important and helpful perspective. Stay safe.
Mike
Thanks Mike! You stay safe as well.
Great points, Terry! What you may find interesting is that when I first saw you on video, I didn’t register your face as being different at all, still don’t. I think it’s the way you carry yourself 🙂 When we were young, my mom would always tell us that the very least you can do each day is to not add to someone else’s misery. Be kind. You never know what the other person is going through; so much isn’t visible. I’ll tell you some time about her physical challenges after a teratoma removal she had done in the early 1950’s. It didn’t make her bitter though, but made her more understanding and kind. You’re offering the same message. This was really nice to read after the constant tsunami of negativity all over the past few months. Thank you for sharing 🙂
What a great message your Mom raised you with! Thanks for your comments Kelly!
You are an inspiration! I am a 3 time cancer survivor, with each surgery leaving Me scars and side effects. It is easy to look at my stomach and see my 7″ vertical scar that removed my cancer from my uterus, and then to wander next to it and see the tummy bulging from the scar tuck that was created from my Colonectomy, and then my eyes shift to upward to my chest and spot where the port from chemo infusions scarred Me….I can hide these more easily than facial scars, but often I sulk and think sad thoughts. Your outlook reminds Me again, my scars are my survival battle wounds. They are reminders I have strength that many don’t have. Thank You for sharing your journey.
Your battle scars truly are reminders of the extra strength you have to confront any new challenge that comes your way. Thanks for your comments Trish. Good to hear from you.
You know me too well to think I could write something as inspirational as you have here. I would just say I am a better person for having known you and the rest of your family. Brotherhood.
And I a better person for knowing you. Love ya! Thanks for the kind words.
Terry, very thoughtful, love you pal! “ Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people,” Fred Rogers.
Thanks bud! Appreciate your comments and love the quote from Fred Rogers!!
Thank you Terry. The pain which you and our sisters and brothers have suffered is unimaginable to most of us. I asked my friend Wendy, a black woman who I work and lives in SFs Fillmore district how she was doing- she told me- I am afraid to leave my apartment. I went to buy groceries at Whole Foods early Saturday morning , they were closed due to the protests. She tried another store the lines were around blocks- what is this time we are living in, what country is this, where did the respect, kindness and dignity go? She told me- this is how she has lived her whole life, always looking over my shoulder, always overly friendly and nice to everyone she meets….”I am not allowed to have a bad day”. This statement, was striking to me- she has lived a lifetime of not being able to be Wendy….I think about how privileged I have been to claim…” I am just having a bad day”…I realize now, how arrogant and selfish those thoughts are.
Sending hugs to all who are Friends of Terry…cuz I know he has a had a few bad days in his lifetime…hugs to you my friend and I wish you the very best day…always….c
Claire – thanks so much. Hugs back. You helped me a great deal and made me feel like a normal person when I didn’t feel like one. I just assumed you were monitoring that geiger counter 🙂
“Say something nice today. Do something nice for someone today. Treat others the way you want them to treat you. Be kind.”
Done 2x today, thank you for prompting me! Thanks Heals.
As I’m getting to know you better, I don’t even notice it or think about it, your soul and heart are not scarred and that is how I judge people. Proud to call you a friend
Thanks so much Janet. Kind words. Proud to call you a friend as well!
Terry your insights are so right on. I appreciate the vulnerability and openness you offer.
Thanks Katie. I could probably use some of your counseling and guidance to improve myself further!
Terry – well said and your concerns for others always in evidence. Love ya, man!
Thanks Steve! Means a lot. Love you too!
Thank you Terry for sharing. Your message is incredibly helpful and very positive. I’ll share this with people I love. We can learn from you to be more kind to ourselves and to lives we encounter in our earthly journeys.
Thanks Grace!
i’ve been inspired by you and your courage, terry, since you first came back to the house with your initial diagnosis. i’m honored to be able to call you a friend of nearly 40 years and continue to be impressed with the grace and humility that guide your presence in the world. hope to see you soon.
Thanks John! You were there with me through thick and thin buddy. Will never forget the support and encouragement you provided me. And I appreciate your kind words. I continue to learn from your strength that has helped you through your own adversities. Yes, a cold beer or two would be a nice way to catch up.
Well stated Terry! Based on my own experience as someone who has lived with a facial difference since birth, I think the main advantage is it screens out the superficial people. Let’s face it – we all have differences – some aren’t visible. It was an honor to meet you several years ago when you spoke in Union City. I enjoy keeping up with you via your postings and blog.
That is does Kristin! So great to hear from you again. Keep safe and healthy!
Terry, I remember being your nurse several times in Chicago after your surgeries. You, your beautiful and amazing Mom made an impact in me and my lifelong career as a registered nurse. Your indelible mark on me will never fade. I truly admire you for so many reasons. Keep up the superb work you’re doing letting the world know what life, love, acceptance and true humanity is all about. I think about you and your Mom often. Fondest regards!!! Kim
Hi Kim – So kind of you, and I truly appreciate your words :). I have the fondest of memories of you as well – your care, attention, kindness and incredible bedside manner were so above and beyond the call of duty. I also remember that shampoo you used with no water :). Hope you are well and staying safe and healthy! Best, Terry
Do you mind if I quote a couple of your posts as long as I provide credit and sources back to your webpage? My website is in the very same niche as yours and my visitors would definitely benefit from a lot of the information you provide here. Please let me know if this ok with you. Cheers!